being emotionally ready for preganancy

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Permalink Reply by Kim on September 29, 2009 at 7:30am

Best of luck as you process these thoughts and emotions.

Consider reading Birthing From Within. It sounds a little strange, but there's a section devoted to birth art that actually helps you work through the emotions you feel about having a baby. Just a thought.

Many, many women find a balance between careers and family. You'll be great!

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Permalink Reply by Asha on September 29, 2009 at 7:34am

Hi Lori Ann,
I'm not sure what your question is, but I'm guessing you are just venting your thoughts. I hope I can comfort you in some way.
I am also sailing in the same boat as you are (kind of). I am not yet pregnant but have started TTC. I just never had ANY urge to have a baby. I am not one of those who think that being able to reproduce is god's gift and blah blah blah. But my personal circumstances are such that I have to have a baby as a duty. That does not mean I am going to hate my baby or neglect it. I know I will be a loving mother.
Just because you don't feel elated and ecstatic about your pregnancy does not mean that you will be a bad mother. Nor does it mean that you will never feel any love for your baby once its here. Expressions of love change from person to person and you do not have to compare your feelings to the majority of people out there. Nobody can tell you how or what you are "supposed" to feel about events in your life. Trust your own feelings and instincts.
As far as "timing" is concerned, you will never feel ready unless it actually happens! That's just my experience, but just to think about something as an abstract idea (parenthood, etc) and actually being in that situation are very different experiences. Once your baby comes, you might find yourself looking back and wondering, "Why did I think it would be unmanageable?" I used to feel the same way about getting married and now I wonder if it was the same 'me' who used to think of marriage as loss of freedom.
Just accept your pregnancy as a normal biological phenomenon and look forward to experiencing previously unknown aspects of your own personality. Talk to your husband and discuss your feelings with him. Don't worry, with his support you will be able to manage motherhood and your career. You are not alone and you and your husband are working on this project as a team :-). Every time I need comfort and reassurance, I just look around and find so many busy career-women have babies and raise them successfully. There must be some way that children just fit into our lives once they come.
Hope this has helped you, enjoy your pregnancy :-)

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Permalink Reply by Michael R. on September 29, 2009 at 8:05am

your feelings are completely valid.

but think about this. when IS the perfect time to have a child? i don't think there really ever is a perfect time. sometimes just taking the leap and allowing it to happen.. you realize that you will make it all work out. my husband was more worried about finances. we could have saved and saved and then an emergency would drain us. there would have never been a "perfect" time financially. and two kids (with one on the way) later.. we're doing just fine, and have a house of our own. imagine that.

it really is okay to feel indifferent about being pregnant. you're really early along, and it can take a while to feel connected to a baby. with our second i wasn't sure I could even handle having two. the entire pregnancy i was so unsure about even having him. but then he was born and it was actually a lot easier to adjust to having two then i thought. it surprised me.
i understand how you're feeling, but at the same time... maybe your family *doesn't* understand how you're feeling. have you even told them about your uncertainty?

step out of the negative thoughts..."i can't" and step into thinking "okay. i *can* do this." because you can. a lot of parents juggle careers and family. single parents have to do multiple jobs. so yes. you can do this, and it will probably take effort. So what you need to ask yourself is if you're willing to put that effort in.
for myself it wasn't a matter of juggling careers and children, but managing my own feelings and children. trying to be mom, wife, lover.. and so on. i felt like there were so many "masks" for me to wear and i felt lost.
but i did find my own way back into myself. and it wasn't the person i used to be.. young, newly married.. sexy feeling.
it was a new person that i needed to love.

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Permalink Reply by Jennifer Frankel on September 29, 2009 at 11:31am

It is ok to have this reaction/emotion. It takes time to connect to your body and baby with this process. I am a believer on "there is no perfect time" for baby - you make it whatever you want when the event arises. Our babies were not planned per-se, but very welcome in the end. I was in year 2 of my start up business with my second pregnancy and year 5 of my business with this latest baby. It took a while to really get into a groove of pregnancy, really through at least the first trimester before it sunk in:). I am tall and I don't show until 8 months - which made it really difficult to explain to clients adding to my stress level at work;)
I also recommend the book Birthing from Within to help you connect with your body and this process and maybe some prenatal yoga practice as well:). It does get easier when you can actually recognize changes in your body and feel the baby growing.
You will do great. It is an exciting adventure to create a family. Please remember that it is a process. It takes time to adjust and react. I have a vivid recollection of the reaction of a very close friend when he guessed that I was pregnant with #3. My husband and I had just found out and were waiting to share the news. The friend's reaction was a boisterous "oh that's so exciting" and I remember feeling like " why aren't I THAT excited?". I was frankly quite anxious about my business and worried about it all. As time went on it got easier to process and plan. And now that our son is here it all seems so perfect, planned or not:) I've learned so much about myself through the process and the adjustment to our growing family, nothing I could have ever planned for and controlled. It is really touching to see also changes and growth in our other children and the dynamic between my husband and myself.
Have faith. Have patience and be kind to yourself. You will find balance.

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Permalink Reply by KM on September 29, 2009 at 7:21pm

When I became pregnant with my oldest I was 19. I was in no way ready for motherhood. I was not indifferent I was down right terrified. I wasn't sure how I felt about the whole thing, and was considering adoption until I had my first ultrasound.

There was a click that I was sure must have been audible! All of a sudden I was a mom, and I never felt differently again. It didn't mean I wasn't still scared, or nervous, or in real doubt about whether I was ready, but I was sure I wanted it.

I think balancing career and raising a child is something that is best left to let happen. You can't know how this will change your life till your baby is born, and putting unnecessary pressure on yourself to figure it out now will not help.

Take it one day at a time. Give your body time to adjust to what's happening to it, and in the mean time, if you're not excited, don't beat yourself up. We all have to adjust in our ways to being a parent no matter how many times we've done it before. You will be okay.

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Permalink Reply by Sara on October 2, 2009 at 9:02am

Your fears are common and valid. I am PG for the 3rd time. I had just graduated from college and was suppossed to be starting my carreer. i had already worked at balancing with my other two and as selfish as it sounds it was my turn! But nonetheless I was PG. Unexpected, and honestly at first unwanted. I was actually depressed about it and like you described everyone, including DH was excited and thrilled. i felt like an alien and felt guilty for not being happy. Esp since I was happy with the first 2. However, as time went on and I got to see the HB, see the baby via u/s and now feeling the baby move, I am gradually adjusting to the idea of another. The timing sucked and it wasn't planned, but it is still my baby and I know that regardless of my mixed feelings then and now, the love I feel for this baby will overcome any doubts and help give me the strength to make the adjustments to my plans and my life.

Can I ask a question? You said you can't balance being a Mom and having a career. You also said that you were pushing for adoption. Wouldn't any child that you bring into your home, natural or adopted, require you to balance the two? What is it that made you OK with adoption but fearful and scared about having one of your own? I have a feeling answering that question for yourself will go along way in helping you deal with your fears, concerns, and doubts about this pregnancy.

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Permalink Reply by Liz gray on October 3, 2009 at 5:33pm

Aw geez, you sound just like me. My daughter is now 8 months old. She is the best. I did not really truly connect with her until about 2 months ago. Before then, I loved her but didn't really feel connected. I am a veterinarian. Before I had my daughter, my job was my life. Now, I am a more balanced, whole person. I can relate to families. I can especially relate to other mothers. My pregnancy was an accident, but it was the best oops I ever made.
Good luck.

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Permalink Reply by Lori Bregman on November 15, 2009 at 10:10am

Hi Lori - I hear what your saying .. read my page about what I do .. I would love to be able to help you in some way ... sending you so much love !!

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Permalink Reply by Kaitlin Rose on November 15, 2009 at 10:33pm

Hi Lori. Looks like you're getting a lot of good feedback after posting this question. Some of it (or all of it) may hardly touch the surface. For me anyway, when I am feeling something, an intense emotion and I feel kind of 'cut off' from everyone else, like you mentioned how you felt frustrated with your family...you feel like an outsider to what everyone else is feeling and going through. I don't know if I'm on the mark or not...

Here's my two cents: everything happens for a reason. This is life. It's real and challenging and full of doubts and at the same time so much love...

You may find yourself feeling differently when your baby starts to move. A lot of mothers, myself included, say it makes the pregnancy feel more "real" thus opening up an entirely new perspective about the situation.

I'm not going to try to talk you into anything. You're feeling how you're feeling and that's fine. Breath through it.

I agree with what some of the women who have commented here when they said, "when is the perfect time?"

I had my little girl when I was 23. Right now my fiance and I are living underneath some college kids in an apartment and there are times when I hear them partying that I envy them. It's a mixed emotion, and I struggle even admitting that I feel that envy! BUT - I wouldn't trade. Heck no!

Take it all in stride. Try not to say you "can't." Creating, carrying, birthing and caring for a child is a blessing. There is no way you can understand that until you do it.

Best wishes on your journey,
Kaitlin

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Permalink Reply by Amy Cruz on November 16, 2009 at 4:22pm

hi lori, I can certainly relate to your feelings and i hope you know that you are not alone. with my first child i was really excited (funny, he was the one i was least prepared for because i was young and dumb). with my second chiild i was really scared. i thought i would never be able to love him as much as the first. i even considered ending the pregnancy and realized that was not an option for me, it was just not something that i could do. we all embraced the pregnancy as a family as it went further along and if anything i favor him.
Fastforward 14 years later. I was remarried. We had been married for 4 years and tried getting pregnant from day one. I thought it would never happen. We considered adopting older children or fostering. i kind of liked the idea of adopting a child that was a little older. Skip all the diapers and teething. Then i got pregnant. i was excited, but i was also kind of disconnected. i didnt really feel like it was real until about half way thru. i dont think i really believed until right near the end that i would actually have this baby that was talked about and planned for for so long. I think i was afraid to be too attached and then to not have a baby in the end if something went wrong. he's 7 mo old now and of course i am very attached. BTW i also felt a little disconnected right after the birth of each child too, but i think that is normal. it is a big adjustment from being pregnant to being a mom.

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Permalink Reply by Morgan Cornwall on November 17, 2009 at 9:34am

I had kind of an opposite experience but the feelings are very similar. I went through many years of TTC, finally getting pg with IVF. I was thrilled, but it took me until I was 6 months pg before I could "allow" myself to connect with the baby and really prepare for his birth. And I think no matter how much you want a baby or feel ambivalent about it, there's definitely some anxiety about how you'll still be "you" and now a mother as well. It will take some time and some adjustment, but I'm sure that you can find a solution that will work for your family.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, please, give yourself permission to experience the pregnancy however it happens and whatever feelings come with it. I spent those first 6 months of pg trying so hard to make myself enjoy it since it had taken so long and I'd wanted it so much. Then I just realized that I was scared out of my mind and really didn't like being pg all that much. Give yourself that permission to just experience it and you may be able to adjust to what's happening. :)

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