Friends are hating on home birth
I am 26 weeks pregnant and about three weeks ago, after meeting with a midwife, my husband and I decided that we would much rather have a home birth rather than a hospital birth. I'm sure I don't have to list all the reasons for our decision, but it basically comes down to this one thing: having choice. We had planned on keeping our decision semi-private since so many people like to share their (often negative) opinions. I was shocked today that two of my closest friends were less than supportive when I mentioned that we were planning for a water birth at home. I got a lot of lecture-like talk about not putting too much into this experience since I may be disappointed if things don't go as planned.
Has anyone else dealt with this? It's hard to explain all the reasons I want this without hurting these friendships. I may have said the same thing to someone before researching home birth.
Has anyone else dealt with this? It's hard to explain all the reasons I want this without hurting these friendships. I may have said the same thing to someone before researching home birth.
Tags: against, birth, experience, haters, home
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Natalie on -
You don't need to explain your choice for a homebirth to anyone. If it were me, I'd tell my friends that I won't be discussing anything about my birth with them from now on. People are SO uneducated, you can't be responsible for changing their minds or educating them.
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer D. Petty on
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Thanks Natalie - I agree with you. I shouldn't have to explain my choice to anyone. The same way my friend who opted for a c-section shouldn't have to explain herself to me. I guess the inner advocate in me wants to teach people, but maybe for now I'll just focus on our birth experience and let that speak for itself.
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Permalink Reply by Natalie on
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Jennifer, You are exactly right that your amazing birth will speak for itself! I haven't had to deal with anyone's disapproval but I rarely volunteer my birth choices either...and like you, I keep my mouth shut when friends talk about planned inductions and c-sections. Why would I want them to feel bad about their choices? Too bad your friends don't see it that way! Have you read the book "The Way of the Peaceful Birther" by Amy Cox Jones? Its great. You may have to order it on Amazon or read on a kindle...I doubt if its in any book stores.
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer D. Petty on
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I will definitely look for that book. I've been reading like crazy and am currently on Ina May's book.
It's really too bad that we live in such a fearful society - once we made the decision to have the home birth I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Makes me a little sad to have to keep it a secret. I;m sure after the birth I will tell anyone who will listen about it :)
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Permalink Reply by Shari W on -
I guarantee you people will be filled with curiosity about how it went, how you did it, and all the details. But like you implied, they may just not be ready for that information because they aren't seeking it. I get all torn up inside when I hear about people scheduling inductions and non-emergency cesareans. It's so hard not to speak out!
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer D. Petty on
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Yeah, it's hard for me not to give my opinion. One of my friends said, "Well, my choice was made for me." She was implying that her doctor had made the decision of how her child should be born (which was a c-section). I wanted to scream because we have become so ignorant to what choices we really have. In the end, I held my tongue. I don't want to make my friends feel bad or second guess their birth experience, but it tears me up too!
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer D. Petty on
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It's funny because my husband (who was the last person I would have thought of) is the one who inspired me to want to do the homebirth. It was definitely in the back of my mind, but his confidence and comfort with homebirth made me cross the line. And you are right - as long as your birth team is on the same page, it doesn't matter what other people think.
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Permalink Reply by sarah on
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I have dealt with this from friends, family, co-workers... everyone! I stopped talking about it, and surrounded myself with the few people that understood. Unfortunately, I needed to transfer to the hospital during labor, and ended with a Cesarean. I received many "I told you so", looks and comments. I reminded them that their biggest concern was what would I do if something went wrong. Well, something DID go wrong, my midwife recognized the problem, and got us to the proper care in plenty of time. To me, that speaks well to the safety of home birth. When I explained it that way, they didn't have much to add.
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer D. Petty on
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I think it is so important to hear stories like this - people often make the argument that home birth is dangerous and your story is a great example of how safe it is. Scary home birth stories often portray midwives as women who will deliver a baby at home at any cost. I know what attracted me to my midwife was her relationship with the local hospital/doctors, her training, and confidence. Thank you for sharing your experience with me - I really appreciate it!
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer Collins on
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I planned a birth center delivery with my second, just as I had with the first. I tried hard to avoid discussing it with people, as it tended to fuel negative comments. By the way, I worked at a hospital in Labor and Delivery, with about 100 obs, including 30 residents. When I did disclose my plans after much badgering and questioning, this is what I heard:
* you'll bleed to death
* YOu'll have to come to the hospital and I'll have to section your dead baby out of you
So, I just feel it is best to avoid discussions with others who are going to be negative. You can discuss it with them AFTER you have the baby.
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Permalink Reply by Lindsay on -
It's best just to avoid talking about it with people who will not be supportive or be extremely negative. We have no midwives in the province where I live (but the laws are starting to change) so I have no choice but to go to the hospital. I'd still like a natural birth - no epidural, and no intervention. My friends have heard my opinions on it before I ever was pregant, because I'm a nurse who works in our local obstetrics department. It's sad how some "friends" will actively root for my plan to fail. Just so they can say I told you so. They had bad experiences (in their opinions) and seem to want to take everyone else down with them.
I made my husband watch the Business of Being Born last night, because I need him to know where I'm coming from. And I really need him to understand that given the area we live in, I have no choice but to go to the hospital, and I'm aware that my coworkers can be extremely unsupportive of even having a plan, and that my friends aren't a huge help either. He's my sole support in this, and luckily he there for me 100%.
People will be negative about it, and it's best just not to engage in it - wait til your baby has arrived, your experience will speak for itself.
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