Home Birth... tell or not tell our family?
Hi all! I'm so thankful I discovered this site. Where have I been?
Just a quick summary of my story: I had my daughter 2.5 years ago in a hospital that swore to be very woman-friendly. Allowed birthing balls, baths, walking around with minor monitoring etc. But what they didn't tell you is that if you didn't meet their "time" frame, and didn't advance according to their schedule, they would start threatening you with c-section being an option, the need to make me go faster and do what THEY wanted me to do. After more than 30 hours of laboring without drugs and advancing to 5cm, I gave in and felt defeated. They broke my water, gave me pitocin, put in an IV, and gave me the epidural. Then, my brilliant doctor used forceps to get my baby girl out. This caused a 4th degree tear which was HELL to get over. Ok, deep breath... I DON'T WANT THE SAME THING AGAIN. So we're doing a home birth with a midwife. We have not told our families what we're planning. I'm 32 weeks along and beginning to think I at least want to tell my mom. Anybody out there do a home birth without sharing the process with family/friends? I just don't want their negative comments. I don't want to have to explain my decision to people who won't understand what I feel. Thanks for listening. Hugs to all you mamas out there! We CAN do this!!!
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Natalie on -
I'm planning my homebirth and have been very happily surprised at how supportive everyone has been. If you know for sure that your mother will not be supportive, I don't see a reason to tell her. Good luck!! I can't wait for mine:)
-
Permalink Reply by Megan Seibert on -
We had a homebirth with our youngest. My family was very supportive, my husband's family was surprised and asked questions, but never said anything negative.
"First, do no harm." Will you cause more hurt by having a homebirth, or by assuming your parents' negative reaction and not trusting them with the knowledge? I think that usually, you should let people have the chance to react for themselves rather than imagining what the reaction will be for them. Just my thought.
-
Permalink Reply by har jit on
-
I am pregnant since 10th weeks. Your example of home-birth has quite encouraged and reinforced my will and planning to prepare to have a home-birth with our sweet youngest. My family is very supportive and this site has encouraged them enough to support me still more. This site has erased any negative reaction of my family which is usually common to find. My husband is searching for some mild yoga lessons for me. He has also arranged nice effective relaxing music. I think and believe this site will definitely help me to achieve my goal of home-birth.
-
Permalink Reply by Maria Sotolongo on -
thanks guys! i don't think my family will be supportive. my sister had a home birth with her twins and the WHOLE family was against her. she's really been my inspiration. so of course, she's on board, helping us with everything. i REALLY wish i could tell my mom, though. so i think i might. it's hard when you have family that doesn't understand this is the BEST thing for the baby and for us as parents :) thanks again!
-
Permalink Reply by Desiree Johnson on -
So sorry about your previous birth experience. I also had a hospital birth and it actually went fairly well. I'm still considering a home birth for the next baby, so I can definitely understand why you are committed to one---after what happened to you!
Anyway, is there any chance that since your sister already had a home birth that your family will be more accepting of it, now? I'm assuming the twins' birth went well, so you'd think that they would look at her experience and compare it to what you went through and think, "Hey, maybe there's something to this home birth stuff." ;)
I hope that you can talk openly with your mom about it. It'd be good to at least have the women of the family on the same side. ;)
Good luck!
-
Permalink Reply by jd on
-
First, I'm sorry about your previous birth experience! I too had a rough time at the hospital with my first and I'm so excited to not be on the "clock" this time around(in the next couple of weeks we will be having a homebirth for the first time!)
If you feel like you want to tell your mom, I think you should. I haven't told my grandmothers but pretty much everyone else has been told and I'm so shocked that there has been a few questions but no outrage. My family has been so supportive it's crazy. Maybe they are talking behind my back, but I've gotten more flack for our baby name choices than for my birthing choices. haha. You may be surprised!:)
-
Permalink Reply by Maria Sotolongo on
-
thanks jd and desiree. my sister actually had TWO births with midwives, one at a birthing center and the other at home, and my family STILL thought she was nuts. i would SO much love for them to be supportive. what i think i'm going to do is finish the classes i'll be taking with my midwife, and once i have ALL the information/ammunition :) i'll feel more prepared to tell my mom, especially. we'll see how it goes. i just don't want anyone to POP my home birth bubble. thanks again!!
-
Permalink Reply by Sara on
-
I told my family and friends. For those that were supportive, I wanted the support, so I gave everyone a chance to be that. For those that weren't---its not their problem to worry about. I never felt I had to explain my decision--and you shouldn't either--after all it IS your decision to make. You owe no one any explanations!
My revelation went something like this "My husband and I have discussed it at length and have made an informed decision to have a HB. We have researched the topic and the safety of it. We have considered all the research and information available to us. We have found a competent, experienced Midwife. We understand that it is uncommon but we don't feel that we have to base OUR choice on the choice that MOST people make....only on what we feel is best for us and our baby. We would love your support. If you would like me to send you some links about it so you can become informed about how we made our decision I would be happy to do so. My only request is for you to remember that it is OUR choice and the decision has already been made. This is not a request for input, advice, or opinions. There is no room for debate over this choice. It is simply an announcement so that, if you wish to be supportive of our decision, you can be. If you cannot be supportive of our decision we will not take it personally. However, we ask that you keep your negative opinions about it to yourself and AT LEAST respect the fact that, while you might make a different choice, we have made this one."
This is a very neutral way to inform people about your choice so they can have the opportunity to be supportive. It is also a very direct way to let them know that you don't feel like you have to explain your position or defend it to anyone.
Please don't assume that everyone will be against it. They may be surprised (most people don't realize this is an available choice) but after they get over the shock and have time to adjust to the idea--most will come around. That's how it worked for me. My MIL was floored and angry and against the idea from the moment I made my little announcement. However, a couple of weeks later she started asking questions. What if this happens....Have you thought about if that happens...I simply answered her questions (after all they were the same questions I had for my MW about it). I didn't take it personally, just that she had concerns and I gave her facts & info to help ease her concerns (again that's what I did when I researched the topic anyway). In the end, she actually became my most ardent supporter, even paying for a massage therapist to work on me so the baby would turn so I could have my HB. :)
In my opinion, there is a difference between someone that loves you and is emotionally invested in your baby showing concern and asking questions then adjusting to the idea after getting the information and someone totally opposed to it, judging & lecturing you, trying to convince you its a dangerous, bad idea and making you feel like you have to explain and defend your choice. For the former, try to appreciate that they love you & your baby and are voicing concerns out of love & lack of information. For the latter, don't waste your time or energy trying to "bring them around to the idea" or explain how safe HB is. They are uninformed and aren't interested in learning, only arguing. For those people just refuse to discuss it. If they bring it up end the conversation. They will eventually get the idea. And after your HB, you can smile while they silently have to eat their words :)
Good Luck on your HB.
-
Permalink Reply by Maria Sotolongo on
-
Sara! I really appreciate your words. I've thought about this a lot, and I know you're right! I like how you worded what you said to your family and will likely use it when I speak to mine. Now I do know that I will tell them, just not yet. I'm getting more information and more power with my decision.
I have just seen the reaction everyone had with my sister and I"m afraid the same thing will happen to me. I don't want negative comments or judgements, or people telling me I'm selfish, when they have no idea about how safe it is to have a home birth. Again, I think your comments about giving our family information are right on. Thanks so much! :)
-
Permalink Reply by Briana B. Eibest on
-
I think you're making the right decision. My second was a homebirth and we didn't tell anyone except for my best friend and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I knew that at least a couple of our parents wouldn't be supportive and since we live in a a state where CPM's are not licensed I feared that one of them might figure this out and try to stop me by getting the authorities involved. This is your pregnancy and birth and I think you have more of a right to enjoy it in peace than your family has a right to know, especially since they have already proven to be unsupportive and negative about the whole ordeal. Good luck:)
-
Permalink Reply by Desiree Johnson on
-
@Briana B. Eibest - Did your family live near you? I'm watching this thread because I'm trying to decide what I'd like to do for our second child (not pregnant, yet, though). My husband's parents live only an hour away, and I think they'd be the ones that are the most against homebirth. My concern is that if we didn't tell them, they'd drive right up when I'm in labor, anyway, and figure everything out. Plus, we see them enough that the fact that we had a homebirth would be bound to come out sooner than later. I guess, in a way, I'm answering my own question. ;) I think we would HAVE to tell them. Not sure how that would go, since they were upset we didn't buy an angelcare monitor (infant movement sensor) when we had our first. (They even offered to pay and we refused---we thought it would cause us more worry than necessary.)
-
Permalink Reply by Briana B. Eibest on
-
My parents both lived within 10 minutes of us so I had the same worry. They were not big on coming by without calling though. I talked to them about it before we even got pregnant just to gage their reactions and my Dad's first comment was "Who would do a stupid thing like that". Knowing my Dad I knew there would be 9 months worth of things like that to come so we made the decision not to tell. We just called them later that day and told them to come over and meet their new grandaughter. After it was over and we were all healthy they really didn't say much. We are now planning our 2nd homebirth in Jan. and while I think they are still not happy about it knowing that everything worked out the last time we haven't had any problems with negativity. It was VERY difficult not to tell because I hated lying to them but for my situation it was the best decision. Fear surrounding childbirth is so ingrained in our society that it is very hard to get someone to understand the choice to birth at home especially if they aren't open to learning about it and once you open that can of worms you can't take it back. I figured it would be easier for them to react badly to it after the baby was born than while I was pregnant and I wasn't willing to endure 9 months of conflict and hostility if that was the reactions they chose to go with. Good luck:)
© 2013 Created by MyBestBirth Admin.
