How to talk to my husband about homebirth *EDIT*
Ever since I became pregnant with my first child in 2006, I have dreamed of a calm, peaceful homebirth. I researched and read and watched, and became more and more in love with the thought of having my baby at home. I tried, on several occasions, to bring it up with my husband, and he would shut me out everytime. He wouldn't even listen to a word coming from my mouth. I dropped it thinking that maybe his apprehension was from the fact that this was our first child. In 2008, when I became pregnant with our second child, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to bring up the idea of homebirth again. And again, he shut me out. Eventually, towards the end of the pregnancy he said, "No one can force you to go to the hospital." The moment my water broke, he literally dragged me to the car, and to the hospital. I guess someone can force you to go to the hospital, huh? I am now pregnant with our third child. I have contacted and hired a wonderful doula and a midwife in training. I AM going to have this baby at home. Whether it be planned with hubby's blessing or "accidental". ; ) I REALLY want to get my husband involved and excited and prepared for a homebirth. I have been trying to send him random bits of information on the safety of homebirth vs hospital birth, and have been trying to talk to him about why I don't want a hospital birth, but it all seems to be falling on deaf ears. What can I do ladies? How can I get him more involved in this process and get him to listen and learn and understand homebirth?
So, after much persistence, we are moving the the right direction! I tried really hard to get him to watch BOBB and Pregnant in America, with no luck. He watched maybe thirty minutes of each and complained the whole time. I kept pushing information on him and he kept pushing it away. I finally got crafty and removed all reading material from the bathroom and hiding it and replacing it with information on the safety of homebirth! LMAO! You should have seen his face when he came running out of the bathroom demanding to know where his magazines went, LOL! Last night, he came home from work and sat down with me. He said, "So what happens if we have a homebirth? Do they just bring in a big pool like we saw in the movies?" After I picked my jaw up off the ground I explained that yes, they will have a birth pool among many other things including medical equiptment, etc. We had a long conversation about it, and he is really wanting to learn now! He had asked his coworkers opinions on the matter that day at work and every woman there told him that it was an amazing idea and to go for it. The men were a bit more hesitant, but admitted they did not know much about it. Only one person was really negative (and ex EMT, go figure) but I had research to disprove every one of the man's theories. He does want to (unfortunately) ask our OB what her opinion is. I told him I already know what she is going to say and that is really not fair, but he insists, so the midwife and doula are going to make a special trip over here before my next OB appointment to prepare him for what she will probably say and arm us both with some research to back my decision. I am just so glad that this is now open for discussion in my household!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Carrie Davenport on -
Go and talk with a midwife together. Let him have a chance to ask questions and voice his concerns.
Also, you are the one having the baby. While you want him on board, obviously, it's your body and your journey. I say go for it. -
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Permalink Reply by Andi Crater on -
Thank all of you ladies very much! The midwife and doula are bringing BOBB with them at our next appoinment as well as some books for me to read and force him to read parts, and he will be meeting them for the first time since i scheduled it on one of his regular days off (he "forgot" to ask off for the other appointment). I told him to come up with all of the concerns that he has and do all the research that he wants to support his concerns, but in return he must listen to my concerns about hospital birth, see my evidence and listen to why homebirth is important to me with an open mind. he is not happy about it, but i think he knows i have made up my mind witho or without him.
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Permalink Reply by Jessica Marquina on
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He definately needs some education. It seems like you are on the right track. Good luck. I hope you get what you want from this birth, regardless of what he wants. It is your body, and your baby.
I had an amazing home birth 1 year ago tomorrow. It really was a life-changing, and meaningful day for me. It is one of my fondest memories, and I would relive it a million times over...
My husband was on board 100%, but he is also one who thinks more along the lines of naturalistic medicine.
Good luck to you! I wish you the best! -
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Permalink Reply by Shari W on -
Try to get a copy of this video. My midwife loaned it to me from her video library. It's by, about and for Dads who have slowly come to accept and embrace homebirth. They answer a lot of questions about their worries, what goes on, etc.
http://www.homebirthdads.com/
This book, The Father's Homebirth Handbook, is a great one. It's great for Dads, Moms, and also for other family members to read like your parents. I had to order mine directly from the publisher in Scotland. It was $20 in 2008 but it was worth it and arrived quickly. Now it's in second printing and available on amazon.com.uk - there is even a used copy available! My husband got a lot out of this.
http://www.homebirthbook.com/1.html
My other recommendation is to send him links to lots of homebirth videos on Youtube. The more often you see healthy, simple births, the more obvious it becomes that we were made for this and the rest is artificial (though occasionally necessary). It is empowering to see it happen over and over again successfully. Maybe that will help your husband.
Good luck! I am glad he is opening up to you!
Shari -
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Permalink Reply by Andi Crater on
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Thank you very much! I will check into those and try to get them asap. I am glad that he is finally eager to learn, and my kids and I are huge fans of the homebirth videos, so we will have to start including Daddy into those too, LOL!
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Permalink Reply by Jillian H on
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My fiance was nervous about home birth as well. He kept saying he didn't want me to have one. He knows that i am a strong willed person and he wasn't going to tell me what to do though. My midwives came to talk to him and relieve some of his fears but he still didn't REALLy want me to do it the whole time. My midwife also gave mea whole bunch of papers etc for him to read as "homework'. My first birth was a hospital birth and it wasn't the greatest. he saw how vulnerable i was there and how i was bullied, bossed around and was treated like a number. Anyway, I gave birth at home 3 weeks ago to my second baby. My fiance is now an advocate for unmedicated home birth :) lol He recommends it to anyone who is capable :)
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Permalink Reply by Elizabeth Blitz on -
Good for you for standing up for what you want and not compromising! I believe you will absolutely love having a homebirth, regardless of how your husband feels.
It's funny how many men are against homebirth when they really don't even know much about birth. I know their concern is based out of a love for their wife and baby, but it's a shame more of them don't do research.
While it is important to have the support of your husband, what's great about babies is that they'll make their appearance regardless of outside circumstances.
Would it be possible for you to sit him down, be straight with him, tell him you need to talk about this, and tell him you need him to become informed about this issue? It's something you've researched and he hasn't, and you're making the best decision for yourself and your baby.
I laugh when you mention his mother the nurse because I've been a labor and delivery nurse. I used to believe a woman physically could not give birth unless she was lying down untli one day when I saw a picture of an African woman squatting. I was shocked. It's a shame so many labor and delivery nurses don't know more about the research regarding birth. However, it was precisely because of what I saw in the hospital that I decided on a homebirth, and it was the best decision of my life.
I hope your birth goes great! -
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Permalink Reply by Kate Lynch on -
YAY!!! Hopefully you can get him on board 100%
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Permalink Reply by Rebekah Bernard on
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I have been reading the posts on here for a while. I appreciate everyone's input. It's crazy how similar yet different everyone's situations are. I had a hospital birth with my first daughter (now 4), followed a year later by two miscarriages. We are pregnant again - 19 weeks already! - and things look great. I have gotten very interested in homebirth. I would consider a birthing center, but we don't have any where I live. So, it's hospital or home. My husband willingly watched The Business of Being Born and met with a homebirth midwife, but all the things that excite me and make me want a homebirth push him further in the other direction. He has admitted that a C-section in the hospital would make him most comfortable, because of the fears he has surrounding the process.
So, for a while now we have been at a standstill. He has said that he knows the decision is mine in the end, but I haven't had the guts to say "this is what I want' without him totally on board. I know now that I have to do it, because it is right for me. Lots of people have advice for how to convince him, but I have already tried. I have never had to make a decision like this in my marriage before, where I am taking responsibility on my own for something this big. My hope is that he will come to support the decision more later, or else we are in for a rough few months. But is comes down to one of us standing up for what we want - I have tried a hospital birth with the OBs, and it is not what I want for me or my family this time around. I feel like I have done the work to work through all the emotions and fears surrounding my past experiences, and I am ready to face this pregnancy and birth in a confident, strong way. Starting with this talk with my husband...
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Permalink Reply by Sarah G. on -
Hooray for him for finally realising that pregnant women are a force to be reckoned with. I'm sorry it took until the third birth, but at least he wants to know now. He is probably suffering from the same issue my mil is. That it's been pounded in our heads for so long that hospitals are the safest place and that babies/moms die at all homebirths. (Despite if we just go back 80 years all births were still at home.)
Let him do research, even if he does want to talk to the ob. Kudos to you midwife and doula for wanting to help prepare you two. Really there isn't anything that will help more than when he sees how at ease you are during your labor and how much calmer a home birth can be. No rush of nurses coming to check you and really when does the ob come in anyway? At the end when it's time to push. Fingers crossed!!
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