I am a 22 year old single college student and found out that I'm pregnant about 5 weeks ago now (I'm about 10 weeks along). I was a very premature baby and was always told that I would most likely be infertile, so while I was always careful, especially with a new partner, I wasn't as careful as I should have been. The shock of my pregnancy has been a tough one to deal with. I'm in a place where I'm just about to finish up school in a year, I have an acting career already in the making, and I've been just barely floating by and supporting myself for the past 5 years, working both a full time managerial job and a part time nannying job while in school full time.
I want to be a mother some day and there is a huge part of me that knows that I could do it. I could raise this baby. But I'm states away from any of my family members, and have created a life for myself that I'm eager to continue and worried that if I don't, my happiness and my child's happiness would suffer greatly. Also, like I said, I barely skate by supporting myself and am only just now really learning to budget well enough to be able to pay my bills on time (ish). I feel selfish when I think of trying to raise this baby without a proper father (the father is actually a dear friend of mine and would most certainly be involved but not to the extent that I would want for my child) and none of our family around.
With a mother who was emotionally and physically unstable, I was raised almost solely by my young father (who was exactly a year younger when I was born than I will be when I'm due). I love my father. He's my best friend and I wouldn't give anything up to trade him for a different upbringing. He did everything he could for me. He is and always has been a musician and while it was great growing up with the "rockstar" father (although a poor one), my childhood consisted mostly of moving around for him and his career. And though he is supportive of my own endeavors, he never really put in the effort or the care that I would've liked to have growing up. I don't want that for my child. I'm too selfish to give up my career right now and to worried that if I don't, my child's life will be all about me.
Anyway, my whole reason for bringing this up on this forum is because I want to have a natural birth and have been starting to meet midwife groups in my area recently. One thing that many people have warned me against is that with this intense experience, the adoption might be even harder for me. In the event that I ever became pregnant, I always told myself that a natural birth was the best way to go and I wouldn't want to go back on that all, not only for the experience but largely for the medical drawbacks and problems with medicated childbirth and c-sections today. And part of me wants this experience even more now because it will be something that my child and I will always share, even if I am not a parent.
I guess I'm just looking for suggestions on how to handle something so intense and wonderful and beautiful without going crazy afterwards.