How do you get your family on board?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Shanna on May 17, 2009 at 12:06pm

Go to www.ican-online.org and that may help out a lot!

Family doesn't really matter, for the most part but talking to your hubby is. My DH was easy to be on board, and I never had a cesarean.. so there may be more fears with him! I recommend that website to help you out :)

Permalink Reply by Linda Llone Hinchliffe on May 17, 2009 at 12:09pm

Hello Rebecca,

If you can email me directly on vbac.information@ntlworld.com then i can send you all manner of information leaflets that can help you.

Regards

Linda Hinchliffe
Chair/Founder
VBAC Information & Support
est. 1990

Permalink Reply by Hannah Gray on May 17, 2009 at 12:10pm

My husband was initially anti a home birth with our first but came around to it being very important for me to feel comfortable (since I was the one going through labour) and that actually there are significant risks of unnecessary interventions and being left along during the birth - the big thing for us was that by birthing at home I would have one-on-one care and he wouldn't have to be my main birth partner, he could be as involved or not as he wanted

As regards family - we heard their thoughts and then explained that we'd researched before making our choice and were confident it was the right one for us. And the clearly explained that the matter was not open for discussion.

Peter Duncan has just written a wonderful article in the Times (www.timesonline.co.uk) which does clearly articulate some of the positive aspects (and from a man's viewpoint which may help)

Permalink Reply by Leigh Ann Krasner on May 17, 2009 at 12:10pm

Show him The Business of Being Born! I was lucky, my husband was extremely supportive of me wanting a homebirth. It was not a VBAC, but it was still a little out there for him. He had doubts, which is natural, so I showed him some of the research I had done. I think he was finally completely comfortable with it when we went to interview the midwife I had found. That may be something that works for you, too. We had some family members...including our moms...who didn't support us right away, so we just had to tell them it was our decision and whenever they tried to bring it up, we would end the conversation. They eventually came around and supported us. As far as friends, I took their opposition as a way to spread all my knew knowledge about homebirth and try to open their eyes. Homebirth seems crazy to many people because they are unaware and uneducated about it. Give him some stuff to read, interview with a few midwives and express to him how strongly you feel that is the right decision for you. I think he will support you! I delivered my daughter at home in April of 2008 and it was the most amazing experience. I will be delivering my new baby at home this July.

Permalink Reply by beebrown02 on May 17, 2009 at 12:20pm

Wow. Thank you for responding so quickly! I will definitely check out some of the resources. I have BOBB on hold at the library and can't wait to watch it. I also have an appointment with a homebirth midwife next month. I do think that my DH will get on board, but I just know it's going to be a very difficult concept for him to wrap his mind around because he's just never even thought of it.

Just 2 years ago I would have thought that I was completely out of my mind so I can understand that it might be hard for others to understand. It is important that all of my family is supportive of this, especially my parents, so I want to bring up the subject very gently so everyone has time to get used to the idea and learn about why it is such a good choice.

Permalink Reply by Genevieve Overy on May 17, 2009 at 1:58pm

Hi Rebecca,
I have a wonderful article written by the husband of a homebirther.. it's called the 7 secrets of being a hoimebirth dad... all from the father's perspective and both funny and deeply moving.. .it really brought a tear to my eye when I read it the first time.....email off list if you would like it littleoops999@999hotmail999.999com (take out all the 999)

I would also encourage him to do his own research (try www.homebirth.org.uk for excellent research and plain language - it is UK based but women's bodies don't suddenly morph into another species when you cross the Atlantic so I think it is still relevant!!)

Also get him to meet with an expereinced midwife ( I think you guys have specialist ones in the US??) and ask her any questions he would worry about.

And finally, rty to make contact with other homebirthers in your area. Hearing from a real person and their partner as to why it was so good/the right decision may help him understand why you are wanting to go that route.
Best of luck and keep us posted on developments!

Permalink Reply by Hannah Gray on May 18, 2009 at 6:58am

Rebecca -
I'm not sure if we're allowed to post to our blogs on here (apologies if we're not) but here (http://muddlingalongmummy.blogspot.com/2009/04/home-births-rock-but...) is a piece I wrote recently about why homebirth was right for me that also links to Lynn Walcott's website which has a great article on why homebirths (in her why homebirth section)
Hannah

Permalink Reply by Cherylyn on May 18, 2009 at 7:56am

I'm planning my first home birth. I didn't make the decision until after I found out I was pregnant with my fifth child. By then I had been studying to become a doula and I knew that I had some choices to make, and home birth felt completely right to me.

I was very afraid of people's reactions, and I was afraid to tell anyone. I told my husband and he was supportive of it because he knew that I had done my research and knew what I was getting into. He had supported me in two medicated hospital births and two un-medicated hospital births, and had seen it all first-hand. He also knows the midwife that I chose, so that helped too. I didn't approach the other family members directly, but I posted on facebook about my decision and my reasons for it. To my surprise, the reactions were mostly positive. The most common reaction I get is something along the lines of "wow, that's brave of you" and some have asked me questions about how things are done differently than in the hospital, and I've been more than happy to answer any questions they have. Thankfully, no one has outright called me stupid or told me I was making the wrong choice. Even if they did, I would still go forward with my plans.

I think the main thing that helped me was that I felt confident in my decision and I knew that even if everyone hated my decision, it wouldn't change my mind. I would surround myself at the birth by those who would support me, even if that was just my husband and my midwife. Others could see the baby once it was all over.

Your husband is the main person you need on your side. I would suggest telling your husband that you're looking into all options, and home birth is one that appeals to you. Explain why, and how you feel about it. The Business of Being Born could be a great tool to show him, and you can arm yourself with information. Do your homework so you can answer the questions he may have, and refer him to a professional (home birth midwife, etc.) if he needs more information. Include him in the decision as much as possible, listen to his concerns and do your best to understand where he's coming from. You know him, so approach it in a way that you feel he would be less likely to close off to.

I hope this helps :)

Permalink Reply by Amber-joy Tacey on May 18, 2009 at 7:58am

My very best friend had this same problem. The first question she asked herself is "What kind of birth does the Lord want for me?" Then she went about reading studies and sharing them casually with her family and friends. She got lots of them from ican meetings. You can also find them at ican-online.org. She would say, "i was discussing this with a lady at my pre-school and she told me about ..." that is what helped with her mom and husband. I know toward the end he was still fighting her and she told him if we end up in the hospital for anything other than an emergency it will be because of you, my heart is in home birth. He finally let her and now he is the biggest advocate for home birth. My husband is the same way. I think it might be helpful as well if you could talk to another home birth couple and a midwife together. Also lots of movies because if your husband is like mine or hers he just won't read. I like:
Birth as we know it
Welcome Home
BBOB (of course)
Pregnant in America
Good luck!

Permalink Reply by Candice Robertson on May 18, 2009 at 10:06am

Maybe explain to him your feelings on the matter.

Here' my situation. I've had 2 vagunal hospital births so far. I woul lik a aomebih this time. Hubby only agreed to it if the Midwife would attend. Well we live out in the boonies and our midwife (who is also he oly one in our area) will not do homebirths out here. (Hubby was relieved i think)
But this is how i feel.... THis baby maybe our last one and I feel like if I don't try to have the brth i want withot any comprimises.. then I will regret it for the rest of my life..I hink that maybe you should bring that up withyour hubby as well.

Permalink Reply by rebecc@ on May 18, 2009 at 3:34pm

Yes, ICAN would be the best place for you to start. It's sounds as though you've done your homework. Read and watch as many educational information on VBAC's as possible. Also, call around to local midwifes in your area and ask them about local groups in your area. Here in Dallas it's H.A.N.D. (homebirth association of North Dallas) Possible there's something like this in your area!? Once YOU are convienced that your body will "not fall apart", then maybe you can convey your education on the matter to your family.

Ohhh, and I had a beautiful homebirth with my first...and I still have family (husbands side) who ask, "so the next time you have another baby are you going to have another home birth". I'm like, "Without a doubt". You may or may not make your whole family happy. But you really have to do what's best for you and your baby.

Permalink Reply by Megan Seibert on July 1, 2009 at 8:38am

Like you, we started talking about it before I was even pregnant. We have three older children, all born in the hospital, but after the last one, I knew that wasn't what I wanted ever again. I originally told my DH I wanted to use a midwife at a birthing center, and started showing him info about it on the internet. His response was that I was the one giving birth and he was my support, so whatever I wanted would be good with him. He was actually the one that said why don't we do this at home? After we met with our midwives, we both sold.

I think the rest of the family matters too. I knew I was going to have a lot of friends looking at me like I was crazy, and I was ok with that, but I wanted my family to be supportive. I was SHOCKED, when I told my mom, and she said, "You know, after I had you, I always wanted to have everybody else at home, but it just wasn't an option." She said that in Scotland, where my sister was born, there was actually a law that you could be charged if you didn't make every possible effort to get to a hospital. So, getting my family on board wasn't even an issue.

Dh's family on the other hand... well, I'm used to them thinking I'm different.

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