How to talk to my husband about homebirth *EDIT*
Ever since I became pregnant with my first child in 2006, I have dreamed of a calm, peaceful homebirth. I researched and read and watched, and became more and more in love with the thought of having my baby at home. I tried, on several occasions, to bring it up with my husband, and he would shut me out everytime. He wouldn't even listen to a word coming from my mouth. I dropped it thinking that maybe his apprehension was from the fact that this was our first child. In 2008, when I became pregnant with our second child, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to bring up the idea of homebirth again. And again, he shut me out. Eventually, towards the end of the pregnancy he said, "No one can force you to go to the hospital." The moment my water broke, he literally dragged me to the car, and to the hospital. I guess someone can force you to go to the hospital, huh? I am now pregnant with our third child. I have contacted and hired a wonderful doula and a midwife in training. I AM going to have this baby at home. Whether it be planned with hubby's blessing or "accidental". ; ) I REALLY want to get my husband involved and excited and prepared for a homebirth. I have been trying to send him random bits of information on the safety of homebirth vs hospital birth, and have been trying to talk to him about why I don't want a hospital birth, but it all seems to be falling on deaf ears. What can I do ladies? How can I get him more involved in this process and get him to listen and learn and understand homebirth?
So, after much persistence, we are moving the the right direction! I tried really hard to get him to watch BOBB and Pregnant in America, with no luck. He watched maybe thirty minutes of each and complained the whole time. I kept pushing information on him and he kept pushing it away. I finally got crafty and removed all reading material from the bathroom and hiding it and replacing it with information on the safety of homebirth! LMAO! You should have seen his face when he came running out of the bathroom demanding to know where his magazines went, LOL! Last night, he came home from work and sat down with me. He said, "So what happens if we have a homebirth? Do they just bring in a big pool like we saw in the movies?" After I picked my jaw up off the ground I explained that yes, they will have a birth pool among many other things including medical equiptment, etc. We had a long conversation about it, and he is really wanting to learn now! He had asked his coworkers opinions on the matter that day at work and every woman there told him that it was an amazing idea and to go for it. The men were a bit more hesitant, but admitted they did not know much about it. Only one person was really negative (and ex EMT, go figure) but I had research to disprove every one of the man's theories. He does want to (unfortunately) ask our OB what her opinion is. I told him I already know what she is going to say and that is really not fair, but he insists, so the midwife and doula are going to make a special trip over here before my next OB appointment to prepare him for what she will probably say and arm us both with some research to back my decision. I am just so glad that this is now open for discussion in my household!
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Andi Crater on -
I might also add, that I believe a big part of the issue here is his mother. She was a labor and delivery nurse for years, and the family believes that babies should be born in hospitals, flat on your back with an epidural. She has that worse case scenerio mind-set, and has passed that along to him as well.
-
-
Permalink Reply by Suzanne Peck on -
Whoa....I'm having a hard time with this, I can't imagine how you must feel.
I think what it comes down to is who is going to make decisions for you; yourself or someone else? Don't allow yourself to be dragged anywhere you don't want to go.
I have had two home births. My two children have different fathers, my first husband didn't seem to care much either way, my second did not want a home birth. Maybe it's insensitive, but I really didn't care. He was either going to be with me or against me, but either way I was having a home birth. (I'm very headstrong.) He eventually came around, especially after we started interviewing midwives and he saw that not only did I know what I was talking about, but the midwives did too. I did let him choose the midwife so that he would feel more comfortable. Both of my births were amazing and everything turned out well.
If you decide to do what you want to regardless of how he feels, be aware that your birth process might not be ideal if he is not supportive. I would suggest making sure that you have a very reliable labor support person, because he may be a bundle of nerves and negative energy. And get ready to hear every possible horror story from him and his family, because they will try to make you doubt yourself. But don't be afraid to put your foot down. This is your life and your body. You are strong and you can do this. Tap into your mother bear strength; it is hard to argue with.
Keep us posted! -
-
Permalink Reply by Andi Crater on
-
Thank you for your response! I really feel the same way that you did about your second homebirth. I honestly don't care how he feels about it, I want this and I am going to have this experience. I am tired of compromising and having no say in how things go around here. My only concern is that of like you said, him creating a negative environment during the birth. That is why I really want to find a good way to present him with all of the information that I have, and almost force him to pay attention and listen to me for once, so that he is more comfortable with the situation. I will never doubt myself, I have had two very uneventful pregnancies and deliveries, so I am very comfortable in knowing what my body can do, no matter what he says. I will definitely be tapping into that mother bear strength! Thanks again!
-
-
Permalink Reply by Michelle Van Norman on -
I had a homebirth after 2 csections almost 2 yrs ago. Luckily my husband was supportive but only because our 2nd son spent 3 weeks in the nicu because of the unneeded csection. He saw the hell I went through and wanted to help me any way he could. I don't know how you can get someone to listen that seems hellbent on ignoring the situation. Does he comunicate at all? Does he share any fears he has? I would talk to your doula and midwife and see if there are any classes yu guys can take to explaine the process andthat maybe he can talk to other fathers who have had the same worries. If nothing changes his mind then just explain it's your body and your decision and you would love for him to support you evenif he isn't comfortable with it. I hope he comes around because a homebirth will change you and it is an amazing experience to share with your partner. Good luck and enjoy the experience it goes by so fast.
-
-
Permalink Reply by Jessica vaughn on -
I know exactly how you feel! I am pregnant with baby #4 (i have a 4 year old and a set of 18month old twins) and I had the hardest time convincing my husband to have a homebirth this time! I wanted my husband to be supportive and excited for a homebirth and not just say I'll do it with your blessing or not. At first when I would bring it up he wouldn't even listen. Then I got him to sit down and watch "Orgasmic Birth" with me...not the best birthing movie ever but the misleading title pulled him in. lol Although he still had some reservations I convinced him to sit down and meet with a midwife. Our midwife actually used to be a labor and delivery nurse. After meeting with her and seeing that it isn't as risky as he thought it was he is now onboard 100%! He is actually looking forward to not spending time in the hospital.
-
-
Permalink Reply by Sara Bradford on -
Try having him watch The Business of Being Born. It is a great documentary and very informative. It talks about all birthing options and reviews the safety of these options. But mainly it talks about knowing your body and what you want. Good luck!
-
-
Permalink Reply by Andi Crater on
-
Michelle, thank you! He does not communicate well on anything really. He is very reserved and holds back way too much. Opposites truly do attract! All he will say is he feels more comfortable in a hospital in case something goes wrong. When I try to tell him that there are MORE issues in a hospital setting, and we can't live life off of what-ifs, he just shuts down and won't talk about it anymore. I will talk to them about classes though, thank you!
Jessica, so glad to know that I am not alone, and there is hope! Thank you! very encouraging!
Sara, I fully plan to have him watch that! I actually just emailed my doula to see if she had a copy I could borrow since i can't find it anywhere around here. Our local video store used to carry one copy of it, but someone stole it, go figure. LOL! -
-
Permalink Reply by Jessica vaughn on
-
I have that one too! I bought it from amazon.com. You can find it here:
http://www.amazon.com/Business-Being-Julia-Barnett-Tracy/dp/B0013LL... -
-
Permalink Reply by Rachel Hiser on
-
I had a similar experience. I was interested in home birth with my first (june, 2007), but my husband comes from a family that simply trusts whatever the doctors say, no questions asked. I ended up having a difficult hospital birth, after the doctor scared us into inducing for a 9 lb baby (because baby was supposedly too big).
Fortunately, I was able to get my husband to watch the BOBB when I was preggers w/ baby #2. I asked him to watch it with an open mind. Also, I asked him to share with me his concerns and why he felt a hospital birth is better. Talking honestly with each other made a big difference. And when he saw that the home births in the BOBB weren't traumatic (unlike my hospital birth), he started to come around.
I've found that the best way to convince my husband about something is to ask him to research it with me. If the majority of the research favors his opinion, then I'll side with him. But, if the info is in my favor, he gets to side with me. We have to both be willing to work things out.
My husband was also a lot more comfortable after interviewing our doctors and midwives. He liked the midwife so much better (yay!).
But, if you husband is the kind of guy who doesn't see why he needs to be involved and who believes that medical doctors always know best, then you probably won't be able to convince him. The best thing you can do is:
1) ask him to respect that this is YOUR body, YOUR delivery, and YOU get to decide where you give birth. You are a smart, well informed woman who has made an educated decision and he needs to respect that, even if he disagrees with it. It is also possible that the mere fact that you choose to be obstinate about this decision will bring him around.
Then, 2) surround yourself with good support. The doula and midwife-in-training is a good start. Though, I would highly recommend adding a more experienced midwife who will know what to do just in case something unexpected does happen. Get a friend or other family member on board who can be supportive during your pregnancy, who you can get excited with about your home birth, and who will be there when you go into labor. Having several key supporters, especially if your husband isn't supportive, will help make sure you have a relaxed, pleasant birth experience.
Wishing you a joyful pregnancy and amazing birth!
Rachel -
-
Permalink Reply by Sara on
-
Your story is very similar to mine. had c/sec w/my daughter (from a previous relationship). 9 years later when I got PG w/my son my MW suggested I VBAC. Husband was weary and really wanted me to go ERCS--he feels better w/ "doctor managed" risks. After much research he came onboard and I had a successful "natural" hospital VBAC. During my research I came across a lot of info about HB. But never really considered it for myself, I loved my MW & the idea of a hospital VBAC w/her didn't seem to bad. And as it turns out it wasn't.
Another 3 years later I got PG w/my 3rd. I wasn't really set on a HB but was SET on a Water Birth. Because of my VBAC no hospital based MW would "let" me labor/deliver in the water--HAD to have continious EFM to watch for uterine rupture. The local hosp has water birth facilities but not for VBAC patients :( Since I knew HB was a safe option (even for VBAC patients esp since my c/sec had been 13 years ago by this time and I had already had a successful VBAC) I decided that if the only way to get my WB was at home then that's what I would do.
My hubby was dead against it. Just like yours. And like yours mine wasn't interested in any info. As far as he was concerened babies should be born in a hosp. Except he was more forward than yours--he told me that I could plan whatever I wanted but that he was bigger than me and I WAS going to have this baby in a hosp! (Silly, silly man :)
I handeled it like this: First, I used a little reverse psychology--instead of trying to convince him to agree w/me and "let" me do a HB I told him this was a decision we needed to make and I needed his help and input. "We don't have to do a Hosp birth b/c thats what everyone else does, we want to do what is safest for our baby so we have a decision to make." I told him if he wanted to be a part of the decision making process he would have to discuss w/me info, research, facts and stats. I did all the research (although for yours he might prefer to do it w/you or on his own) and put together a little spreadsheet and chart (men are usually very logical & visual so that format really appealed to him more than me spouting off stats at him). He was still worried that "something" would go wrong--to which I reminded him that he would have that feeling until the baby was safetly in our arms regardless of where the birth happened---and then made him define EXACTLY what he was afraid of--for mine it was uterine rupture and hemmoraging or the baby needing recusitation (your hubby's fears may be different). We then researched the chances of that specific things happening, the safety rates of how often it happens in hosp & at home, and discussed w/my MW what she would do to monitor, prevent and handle them if they did occur. That seemed to make a BIG difference for him--addressing his specific fears. But he was still undecided. We watched the BOBB--again w/the visual :) and that sealed the deal. He would have prefered me to go to the hosp but he was willing to support me in a HB.
By the end of the PG he was thrilled w/the idea. Told everyone at work we were planning HB. When people questioned him or asked him how he could "let me do that" he started spouting off stats and facts about the safety of HB and the probs assoc w/hosp birth :) I has successfully converted him! I was so proud of him!
He was very nervous when I went into labor until the MW arrived--another fear he had, that she wouldn't make it & he would have to deliver the baby. But after she came he was fine. He was the most wonderful support person during L&D. I have a pic of me in labor, as I was about to start pushing, we are holding hands and I have this huge smile on my face. It is amazing cuz I never would have imagined it to be possible to be so happy and giddy at that stage of labor and certianly didn't look/feel that way w/my hosp birth.
After the birth as we were snuggling in our OWN bed, he took me in his arms and told me how proud he was of me. How he appreciated how hard I was willing to fight and the work I did to have the birth that was best for our baby. Told me I was the strongest woman he knows. Thanked me for being such a great Mom and for choosing a HB. Told me that was the best idea I ever had :) Apologized for being such an unsupportive ass and that he was glad he finally came on board.
My suggestion to you is to appeal to your husbands sense of logic. Show him a chart comparing hosp birth and HB. Let him read the conclusions that HB is as safe (w/ less interventions) as a hosp birth. If he refuses to listen then he doesn't get to be involved in the decision process and you decide w/out him. Nag him (and cry if you must :) until he at least agrees to discuss it with you. Make HIM research to PROVE that hosp birth is safer and then refute his arguments w/ your own studies.
Good Luck. And let me know if you need some links on safety of HB--I still have most of the ones I used saved.
It may be a lot of work. And he may never become thrilled w/the idea. But it will be worth it. It was for me.
**one of my hubby's fears was that the upstairs floor would not hold a birthing tub so I called my city's building code dept and got info on how much weight my floor would hold and figured out how much a tub weighed...point is I worked HARD to convince him, didn't happen overnight so keep at it** -
-
Permalink Reply by Andi Crater on
-
I would love the links you have! I have quite a few bookmarked myself, but the more I have the better!
-
-
Permalink Reply by Elizabeth Sowles on -
I had a similar problem with my husband, trying to get him on-board with my minimal intervention hospital plan. He's a paramedic, and thought the requests I had in my birthing plan were disrespectful and high-maintenance for the hospital staff, who "has done this hundreds of times, and should be trusted to do their jobs." I fought him for a month, even thinking that I'd use his disbelief in my ability to labor without medication as motivation (as I do in other circumstances, with other people). Eventually, I decided that I do need him as an advocate. Without him, my baby and I are not a complete family, and this experience should be about our family bonding. I told him this, and asked him to have an open mind and to trust me to be rational in my decisions and the way I interact with the doctor and staff, and that I'd be open to his input. Since that discussion he's watched videos (Business of Being Born), listened to hypnobirthing c.d.s with me and read articles that I've given him. He's even asked about homebirth! It's not an option for us because of insurance and lack of mid-wives in our area, but the point is that once I went to him, admitting my need for him, his attitude completely changed.
-
© 2013 Created by MyBestBirth Admin.
