Homebirthers

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Comment by Brandi Frey on July 22, 2010 at 11:54am

One last thought, I would tell people who aren't going to be there sooner rather than later. I am not sure how far along you are, but you just don't want to have to be dealing with those emotions later in your pregnancy. I stressed out about it up until the very last minute, and kept telling myself "Today will be the day I tell her," but never did do it! I just couldn't do it. I should have just gotten it over with and not had to stress over it.

Good luck!

Comment by Meredith Paige Browning Lovell on July 22, 2010 at 9:42am

My mom has been very supportive of the entire process and even met with my midwife before we conceived. She has even gone so far as to offer to let us have the birth at her house. She had all 3 of us natural but in the hospital. I think the thing that is hardest for her is seeing one of her babies in some sort of "pain" and not being able to fix it. When I hurt my mom hurts.
My mother in law is the one that is the issue. Her mother was a nurse midwife and she is a nurse. She is somewhat supportive of the home birth process but has a habit of "my medical knowledge is what is right." She also is a heavy smoker and drinker which is why I am SO VERY uncomfortable. My husband would love to have his dad there (which I am fine with0 but you can't invite one and not the other. She makes me feel so uncomfortable and unsafe which is why her presence wouldn't be welcome.

I don't feel I could open and progress as well with those feelings weighing on me. It's breaking the news that I don't want t o do but as you said Brandi, I think if I just don't call it could cause further issues in the long run. Maybe I'll just talk to my midwife and ask her to take the "blame" for not having people there. I'm sure she'll be fine with that. :)

Comment by Brandi Frey on July 22, 2010 at 9:38am

BTW, you will understand why your moms are so crazy after you have that baby. I never got it until those couple days after having my baby...you get this overwhelming and intense of love and feeling of protection over your baby. I was overcome with emotion in those early days just thinking about my baby ever being harmed or in pain. I just felt sick and frantic even thinking about him getting hurt or anything happening to him.

This is why some of our moms get so nutty about the homebirth thing. They don't understand it, they worry for your pain, possible complications...they can't help it! Ahhh the joys of motherhood! :) And I do appreciate and understand it much more now than I ever could have. They know logically that they should support us in our wishes for a homebirth, but the emotion takes over and they just can't help themselves!

Comment by Marci For Birth Choice on July 22, 2010 at 9:19am

Hey Meridith,
I'm in a similar position to you - basically, my mom is NOT a good person to have in the birth. She assumes I will scream for the drugs and is not supportive of home birth because she doesn't think going natural is feasible. So essentially, my midwives, their students, and my husband will be there. I wouldn't mind my sister being there, but then my mom will wonder why I let her come. I think I may have my sis take some pics and sneak her in that way :). But even though I'd been fine with my dad and brother being there during labor (not delivery), I can't have them be there at all or else mom will have a spasm. Really. She doesn't even handle stress in general well - she has serious issues with anxiety, so even if she were supportive of homebirth, I don't think she'd be good to have at the birth. No joke, I'd be there having birthed the baby and then discover that she'd been rushed to ER because of the stress. So I consider it that I'm doing mom a favor, even though she doesn't know it :).

Do everything in your power to keep out the people who will be spectators - this is not Baby Story, where people bring crowds of folks to witness the birth (and enjoy their 5 minutes of fame on TV lol - come on...do all those people show up just to support the mama ?!? :)). This is your birth and your body. This will be my first birth and my first homebirth, but I don't want my labor affected by spectators.

Comment by Brandi Frey on July 22, 2010 at 9:01am

I had my husband, doula, and midwives present and felt very comfortable with that. My mom was really disapproving of my choice for a homebirth and in the beginning I told her she could be there, but towards the end I realized that her disapproval would inhibit me to relax. I couldn't bear to tell her, and just didn't call her when I went into labor. It ended up being very upsetting to her after the fact. If I had it to do over again I would have told her she wasn't going to be there and things would have been a lot better between us...it's still a sore subject and my baby is now 1 year old!

I would highly suggest that you let everyone know your wishes up front so there is no confusion who is going to be there. Be firm, this is YOUR birth, not theirs and you don't want anyone there who you think might keep you from being able to fully relax.

If there is a person or two you think you might want there you can always have them close by on standby but make sure they understand that there is a very good chance you won't call them so they are not disappointed.

I did find that once I was into the later stages of labor and transition I couldn't have cared less whether there were 50 people in the room. You are so beyond yourself at that point that you don't care, or at least I didn't . You also don't know how you are going to react...I ended up being a screamer and never would have guessed it :). So consider that too when choosing who you would like present at your birth!

Best of luck to you!

Comment by Sara on July 22, 2010 at 8:59am

Wow! I love the idea of an etiquette form. Great idea ;) With my second child (hospital birth) my MW told me to ask her for grape juice if I wanted the room cleared. That way she could ask everyone to leave w/ no hurt feelings. It was code--since the hospital didn't have grape juice ;)

Comment by Meredith Paige Browning Lovell on July 22, 2010 at 8:52am

Our midwife gave us an etiquette form for those wanting to attend to read. She also knows WHO I have issues with and said if we decide to have them there that she will keep them busy with errands and tasks. :) We have a small apartment so being able to "escape" to another room isn't much of an option.

Comment by Meredith Paige Browning Lovell on July 22, 2010 at 8:47am

Thank you ladies. I have a habit of wanting to please everyone. Other than my husband, midwife and apprentice; I want my baby sister there. She and I are very close and she knows me inside and out. The only downfall is she lives in DC and that's a 2hr drive from us.

Comment by Sara on July 22, 2010 at 8:47am

OK so when I said "grusome painful" part in in my comment I should have put that in quotes. That is my daughter's description--not mine. I would describe it as challenging ;)

Comment by Sara on July 22, 2010 at 8:44am

My Mom, Dad, MIL, daughter & son were all at home when my baby was born. However, I gave birth in my bathtub in my room upstairs. They were all present be included shortly after he was born and to offer support through the early part of my labor BUT I was able to be in a separate part of the house so not everyone was crowded around while I was in the last part of Labor & the Delivery. Because I was like you, just not sure how I would feel w/all those people and I wanted to have the option of deciding at the time how I felt and be able to have privacy if that's what felt right at the moment. I guess my downstairs living room was kinda a very comfortable waiting room for them ;)

In the end, my Mom, daughter, and son came in and out unobtrusively during the last of my L&D and it was fine. I was comfortable and so were they. My Mom ended up being in charge of holding and giving my water which left my husband and the MW & assistant free to focus on me. My son & daughter came in right as the baby was coming out. MIL & Dad came in after I was out of the tub and situated in my bed. My daughter was undecided about being in the room for the delivery and since she came in right as he was coming out she feels like she got the best of both worlds--missed the gruesome painful part but was there when he came into the world. My son (he is 4) was able to check on me and see that I was OK the go about his way. This actually helped me feel better about how he was doing and reduced my stress about him and let me focus on the task at hand.

I was unsure about who I would want in there and how I would feel at the time. I let all involved know that f they were ejected from the room don't be hurt I just needed to be free to do what I felt was best at the time, sorta a game time decision if you know what I mean ;) All involved understood and were committed to do whatever I needed. Because of this commitment I was not stressed and it worked out fine.

My MW rule was that only supportive people be allowed in the house during the L&D. So if people want to be there and they don't offer you support or bring up negative feelings they are OUT! Blame it on your MW. Tell them that she has asked that not a lot of people be there and that you will call them after baby arrives (that way you don't have to be the bad guy if you don't feel comfortable just telling them no). In the end, its your decision who is there based on how you feel and what you need. No one else matters and you have the right to change your mind if what you though was OK turns out not to be.

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