My first child was born 7 years ago, in a hospital, attended by an OB. I labored and delivered naturally, but immediately after delivery, I suffered severe postpartum hemorrhage due to an over distended uterus. I received 2 blood transfusions, and they had to pack my uterus to get the bleeding to stop. The delivery room was chaos- doctors and nurses running around covered in my blood. It was very frantic- everything happened so fast. I thought that I was dying. I didn't get to hold or breastfeed my newborn until the next day- needless to say I was crushed and the whole experience was extremely traumatizing.
I choose to have a midwife-assisted hospital birth for my second child. After my first experience, I was scared to attempt a home birth. Although it is a beautiful choice, it is just not for me. A few days after my due date, I noticed that I hadn't felt my baby move- in a very long time. I did several kickcount tests and finally went to the hospital because I knew something was wrong. At the hospital they tried everything to try to wake him up, to no avail. He was still alive, but was clearly in distress. It was my midwife's decision to deliver him immediately via emergency c-section. There was no time for a spinal, so I put put under general anesthesia and again, I didn't get to hold my baby until several hours after the surgery. (the umbilical cord was tied in a true knot, which was why he had stopped moving)
It had been just over two years since my second was born, and my husband and I have just started thinking about getting pregnant again. I am terrified! I have had very bad luck in the past, and I can't help thinking that something terrible will happen this time as well. I would definitely lean towards a VBAC- but I am so afraid that my uterus will rupture and that the baby and/or I will die. On the other hand, I dread the thought of having another c-section. My recovery was long and painful, and I really don't want to go through that again. What I long for is to have a completely normal birth, where my pain is rewarded at the end when they hand me my newborn right after I push him or her out. I've seen that moment so many times- and I cry every time because that is what I want! I want to experience that moment.
I am torn- I really want to have one more child, but I am so afraid. I have heard the phrase, "just trust your body" so many times. And I do, to an extent... I know that I am capable of birthing a child- I've done it before. But in other ways my body has completely failed me- how can I trust that it won't fail me again?
One question that I have, that I haven't been able to find an answer too, is does my previous hemorrhage make a VBAC even riskier for me?