I am scared to get pregnant again
Hello, I am new to mybestbirth. My name is Sarah and I just watched BOBB, which is what led me here. I'm a 30 year old SAHM of two boys, and I am struggling with whether or not to have another baby.
Here's why...
My first child was born 7 years ago, in a hospital, attended by an OB. I labored and delivered naturally, but immediately after delivery, I suffered severe postpartum hemorrhage due to an over distended uterus. I received 2 blood transfusions, and they had to pack my uterus to get the bleeding to stop. The delivery room was chaos- doctors and nurses running around covered in my blood. It was very frantic- everything happened so fast. I thought that I was dying. I didn't get to hold or breastfeed my newborn until the next day- needless to say I was crushed and the whole experience was extremely traumatizing.
I choose to have a midwife-assisted hospital birth for my second child. After my first experience, I was scared to attempt a home birth. Although it is a beautiful choice, it is just not for me. A few days after my due date, I noticed that I hadn't felt my baby move- in a very long time. I did several kickcount tests and finally went to the hospital because I knew something was wrong. At the hospital they tried everything to try to wake him up, to no avail. He was still alive, but was clearly in distress. It was my midwife's decision to deliver him immediately via emergency c-section. There was no time for a spinal, so I put put under general anesthesia and again, I didn't get to hold my baby until several hours after the surgery. (the umbilical cord was tied in a true knot, which was why he had stopped moving)
It had been just over two years since my second was born, and my husband and I have just started thinking about getting pregnant again. I am terrified! I have had very bad luck in the past, and I can't help thinking that something terrible will happen this time as well. I would definitely lean towards a VBAC- but I am so afraid that my uterus will rupture and that the baby and/or I will die. On the other hand, I dread the thought of having another c-section. My recovery was long and painful, and I really don't want to go through that again. What I long for is to have a completely normal birth, where my pain is rewarded at the end when they hand me my newborn right after I push him or her out. I've seen that moment so many times- and I cry every time because that is what I want! I want to experience that moment.
I am torn- I really want to have one more child, but I am so afraid. I have heard the phrase, "just trust your body" so many times. And I do, to an extent... I know that I am capable of birthing a child- I've done it before. But in other ways my body has completely failed me- how can I trust that it won't fail me again?
One question that I have, that I haven't been able to find an answer too, is does my previous hemorrhage make a VBAC even riskier for me?
Tags: afraid, c-section, hemorrhage, scared, vbac
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Rebecca Mack on -
Hi Sarah!
Let me first say that you are such a brave and wonderful woman for being open to more life, especially after the 2 previous experiences you have had w/birthing your children! That is to be commended.
I understand how you feel, to some extent. While I didn't have life-threatening issues going on w/my first baby's delivery, it was a very traumatizing experience and went completely to the other end of the spectrum from the birth I had wanted and planned. It was very difficult for me to endure, and to get over after the fact. Each time I got pregnant after that, I had so much fear and it took me until my most recent birth, 5 years later, to truly get over all of the fears I had from that experience.
I do know that the longer between pregnancies, the better your uterus heals, especially after a c-section. Was there a specific reason why you hemorrhaged the first time?
If you really want another baby and no one has said to you that you are in life-threatening danger by having a VBAC, there is no reason you shouldn't try. I am not sure if the hemorrhage from your first baby's delivery makes it riskier for you to have a VBAC. Did you discuss that with your midwife during your second pregnancy?
Like I said, it took me 5 years (and 3 more deliveries) to get over what happened and all the fear that resulted from my first delivery. My second and third births, while successful VBAC's, came with great fear and pain and a lot of issues I just didn't know how to deal with. My fourth birth, just last August was the best birthing experience I've had thus far and it was because I finally let go of my fears, trusted my body and just let it do its thing. It's easier said than done, I know.
I don't know if this was any help to you. In my own experience, just talking about everything, how you're feeling, what you want, etc, really helps to get over your fears and move on from there. If you ever want someone to just listen, I'm sure everyone in this group is willing and I myself would definitely lend you my ear!
Rebecca -
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Permalink Reply by Amy Simpson on -
There is so much I want to say to you but I will keep this simple...writting is not one of my strong suites:)
1st..I'm sorry to hear of all your troubles. I know, and I hope you do to, is that there was nothing you could have done to stop what happened. I also know how hard it is to get over fear and disappointment with deliveries. I had a c-section with my 1st because he was breech. I got pregnant with my 2nd 15 months after the surgery. I was terrified even though I knew it was perfectly safe. I was the best canidate for a VBAC. I had no time laboring and had a low transfers incesion. I had to have her in a hospital because finding a NY midwife is pretty difficult. With every contraction I prayed nothing bad would happen and nothing did. She came out healthy and beautiful. I have also just had my 3rd...2nd VBAC...on Dec 23rd. I still had the thought of rupture with me. The key is having a great team of support filled with trust and understanding.
so....as for your question about hemmorage and VBAC....not related. There is no more chance of you rupturing becasue if the hemmorage. The question you do need to ask is what kind of scar or incesion you received??? -
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